Stephanie Marie

2011-02-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

OOOooooOOO wWOOOOOOOoooooOoo!!!!1093u YeyyYyYyyyYy!!! gIrLs On ToUr!!!!

SHUT UP.

2011-02-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

Why is everything I do never good enough?

Is there a still a place for loving people in this world?
I can only be the best of who I am, but why is it never enough? All i do is run around, putting everybody before myself, loving and giving and caring, and consequently being ignored.
Why can no one see the worth of my kind heart?
I am so confused. I give everything...i give my love, my time, my entire soul and physical being, yet people continue to throw it aside, discard me in favour of superficial people who could not really give too much of a shit if you are happy or sad.
Would anyone else go to these lengths for you? 'yes' Would they REALLY?

I do not want to become cynical, or cold, like you. I want to FEEL, i want to be real...but that makes me vunerable. A vunerability that you do not respect or care to protect.

I hope it is true, that what you reap, you sew. And in turn, i hope one day someone can give me the love and the respect that I bestow on everyone.

2010-03-10T06:46:00.000-08:00

Please find me.

2010-01-02T08:18:00.000-08:00

It is 2010 and i feel exactly the same.
without you.

i am no longer an island for you are attatched.

2009-12-28T05:26:00.001-08:00

I can't forget. I can't move on, i can't let go.
YOU ARE ALWAYS WITH ME.
last night i had a dream, we met again, we went to alton towers then back to a friends. you told me you were wrong, you told me you missed me.
I know you will tell me this one day.

Basically, i've tried, but you never leave me alone. It doesn't make me sad that you aren't with me. I know you will be.
It makes me sad that you aren't with me RIGHT NOW.
I need to tell you, but i can't just yet.
you will read this.

I miss you so much. Don't move.
It is wrong, Can you not feel it?

You are making the biggest mistake of your life.
COME BACK.
TO
ME.

2009-11-11T17:09:00.001-08:00

"You said I killed you - haunt me, then!
The murdered do haunt their murderers, I believe.
I know that ghosts have wandered on earth.
Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad!
only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you."

IF YOU'E GOING THROUGH HELL;

2009-09-29T18:49:00.001-07:00

KEEP GOING!

This is not about you.

2009-09-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

my heart feels like it is about to explode.
I don't know you, but i want you here.
YOU
you have awakened something beautiful inside of me.
I know you are gentle and i know you are kind, but right now you are making two hearts ache.
choose.
and run with it.
even if it is not me you want.
RUN
RUN
RUN
never stop.

2009-09-19T04:40:00.000-07:00

I should have seen it coming really; me and you, i believed it, i really did.
I believed it with my legs and my eyes, but mainly with my heart.
Then something inside of me changed, my instincts told me to leave.
And i did.
I didn't mean to break you, you see, it hurt me too much to lie to you.
But that didn't matter for you, did it?
I knew you would run straight back to her, like you always do.
Little miss perfect wins again.
Or so it seems, but you know as well as I comfort is a lesser fate than passion.
You no longer live inside me, so go, live inside her, break her little heart for the 4th fucking time.
She is asking for it.
She always has been.

destiny.

2009-09-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

“And then a thought came into my brain that wasn’t like the other thoughts. It was closer to me, and louder. I didn’t know where it came from, or what it meant, or if I loved it or hated it. It opened up like a fist, or a flower.”

2009-08-06T20:55:00.001-07:00

In the end, none of this matters.
we are but human, and we are part of something so huge,
we can not compete.
we can be happy, or we can be sad,
we can live, or we can regret what we have not lived.
but it's in our hands,
and it will not happen for us.

thank you. goodnight.

PS.

2009-07-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

I can't even express my self-loathing in a romotley poetic way anymore.
i hate this.

lightbulbs & candyfloss

2009-07-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

Things I have learnt in the past year:

I am a better artist than i thought
I believe in love more than anything else
When one door closes, another one opens, but, if you are super lucky, the one that just closed will open again.
Fate is real
Karma is also real
I am too generous
Depend on yourself, and yourself only

Things I have always known that have been comfirmed (again) in the past year:

I was born in the wrong year, possibly the wrong century also.
My self-esteem is far too low
I am weird weird weird when talking about food, weight, size etc.
Most people think i'm strange
or stupid
I have unhealthly expensive taste
I am a doormat to people i love, but i am too much of a wimsical romantic twat to do anything about it.

2009-06-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

My name is Stephanie, and i do not feel very lovely right now.

come back to me

2009-06-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

Our love was born outside the walls, in the wind, in the night, in the earth, and that's why the clay and the flower, the mud and the roots know your name, and know that my mouth joined yours

2009-05-30T02:43:00.000-07:00

"we’re alive. we’re lost. we’re lonely & it’s going to be okay.

the friends we’ve lost, they’re not gone, they’re simply part of us now.

can you hear her infectious laugh in your heart beat?

can you see his smile on the back of your eyelids?

it will be okay. everything is beautiful."

I don't want to live forever

2009-05-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

I just want to create things that will.

2009-04-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

"Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."

LOVE #7

2009-04-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

Rachel Longworth

Never a dull moment....

:')

2009-04-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

Love exists in empty rooms filled with icons of my youth.
Love exists in 4am phonecalls, even when you're grossly intoxicated.
In Saturday morning letters that provoke euphoric hysteria, and in short messages and long silences which only provoke pain.
Love exists in a car, that screams 'hey chica bam' every weekday at 3:25 in the afternoon.
Love exists on a sleeping sofa, when there is nothing left to drink, and in a white card made with skill and time.
But most of all, love exists in 3 hour train journeys, it exists in the exchange of whispers, sentence-forming cookies, emails RE:'the end of the world'.
In desperation, seperation, when fate is never certain.
Love exists in knowing that this is something that will not dissapear, even though you have.
Love exists right here, in the miles of land that keep us apart.
LOVE EXISTS! I know it! I can feel it leaking from my eyes, shaking my bones, and entire exsistence!
Love exists here.
In you. In us.
Love, will always exsist, in me.

beautiful creatures

2009-04-23T09:42:00.001-07:00

i love you & everything will be okay & i know it might hurt so bad now but we’re strong (we are strong) & we will be okay. & yes things will change but that’s okay. & yes we’ll change but that’s okay. if i could hold you in my arms & whisper beautiful things into your ears i would. i would hold you so tight you’d feel safe. if i could change this all i would. reverse 4 months & change it from the start. i can’t, you can’t, we can’t. so here is my shoulder you can cry all you want. i’ll never let you go. everything will be okay. we are beautiful creatures.

2009-03-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

no, i do not want to finish this drink, this meal, this conversation. no, i'm not coming downstairs to see some artists work i have already seen before anyway. no, i've not done any work today and no, i haven't heard this song before. no, i'm not naive, it's not a phase, i'm not brainwashed or easily influenced. no, it's not because angelina jolie used to do it, or because i've watched the l word a couple of times.
Iknow you've always seen me with some oh-so-hansome public school boy, like Edward. But that's just not what i want, you know, sorry. I just can't even fake it anymore, you know?
so please, don't tell me i'll grow out of it, that everyone feels like this, that i'm 'probably just confused'
don't you see how i am tied to her? it feels so real to me, a long red thread connecting me to her that i've never broken. DON'T YOU SEE? this is who i am, this will not change; thread wrapped around both wrists!
I trick myself. I think it's tangible, I think everyone can see it...

I hate valentines day

2009-02-14T04:24:00.000-08:00

This pain is not getting any less intense.
I am still waking up and thinking of her immediately.
I have to pull myself away from the phones so i don't ring her and start screaming how much i love her down it.
It's embarassing, and humiliating, when someone can make you feel like this, whilst they don't feel a fraction of it.
How did this happen?
Can we rewind?

it's been two weeks.

2009-02-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

two weeks.
and i have been doing ok.
but when i hear her say 'i think you are an idiot', i know she means it, and when she doesn't care wether we speak or not, i know she doesn't feel anything like i do.
and it hurts.
I am in love with her.
I am SO FUCKING IN LOVE with her.

she doesn't want to know.

and it fucking sucks.

2009-01-28T09:16:00.000-08:00

I miss her.

i don't want to do anything

2009-01-03T04:48:00.000-08:00

if i can't do it with you.

:)

2008-12-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

this is all.

2008-12-19T10:15:00.000-08:00

you don't care, you rarely even pretend to.
if it's not about you, you don't want to know.
you don't think how you could upset me, because if your fine, thats all that matters.
and i hate it.
i need you more than you need me.
i'm upset, and i need you.

but all you need is your happiness.

2008-12-01T14:27:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if i am actually living right now. I feel as though i'm just sitting in limbo somewhere, seperated from everyone else.
I haven't eaten in what will be 5 days tomorrow, and this comforts me a little, but i know as soon as i do eat it will trigger a huge comedown.

I deserve all this. I do.
Stephanie, you piece of fucking gay shit.

'

2008-11-28T12:32:00.000-08:00

I don't remember anything anymore.

23:14

2008-11-25T14:59:00.000-08:00

None of my time is spare anymore.
None of this air is mine.
Not yet.
I have so much to do, so many people to prove myself to (right? wrong?).
Panic. I am panicing.
As much as 'I'm only happy when it rains' seems to fittingly describe my general attitude, i am becoming concerned with the amount of rain that i'm actually being exposed to.
It seems to come pouring down, all at once, and ruining my new suede shoes.
Metaphorically speaking (do I speak any other way?)
Am i in love? is this it? how do you know? do you ever know?
My 'I am an island' theory still stands.
Although, i wish it didn't. I always wonder if Miss Havisham also held this theory on life. Poor old spinster; "ISLAND! I AM AN ISLAND!"

I'll let you know when my mind untangles itself.

do you fancy eating today?

2008-09-01T16:46:00.001-07:00

no, me neither.

I hate myself

2008-08-14T12:55:00.000-07:00

and
want
to
die.

fly away peter, fly away paul.

2008-08-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

Life is not the same in Liverpool. I am not the same.
I am not right and I will not rest as long as i am here. I feel better away from here, i can breathe easily.
Perhaps it is not the city at all, maybe it is the people? the weather? but whatever it is, i know i need to get out as soon as i can.
A man once told me that each of us has a calling, to do something, to be somewhere in life, and if we are not following that calling, our souls cannot rest. He said our subconcious mind is significantly more powerful than that of our concious mind, and the longer we ignore it, the lower we go.
He's right.
I have had such a fantastic time in Spain. Benicassim was mind blowing, having a renunion with the Mil Palmeras guys was so much fun, and i met the sweetest swede, Jesper. Being home is killing me;
I am bored, which means i am indifferent, and there is no greater evil in the world than indifference.

no new tale to tell

2008-08-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

As the sun beams, i begin to, but i feel the clouds gathering around me. one two three, breathe. one two three, breathe.

If you go out to the woods today

2008-06-14T16:32:00.000-07:00

It seems i have not written for quite a while, i will blame exams, but even i am not sure if that is the truth.
I went to Torreveija for a week, which gave me a little time to write down a few thoughts.
Backtrack:

27th May.
I am once again wastefuly spending my much needed free time. It comes to me almost as a gift after my futile performance in my Englsih exams, and my rushed artistic stuggle which no doubt has gained me a mere B grade, if that.
Perhaps my History exam could be the one to save me from a humiliating downfall, yet i sit here and muse over Sylvia Plath journals, filling myself with empathy, and consequently an overwhelming amount of self pity; a horrid, selfish ghoul that has become somewhat of a permenant fixture in my life.
It seems so injustified that i should feel the way i do, living such a priviliged life. For this reason, i dare not burden anyone with my silly little worries (*people i know in real life, i have removed this blog from any of my other websites).
Without a diagnosis of sorts that would turn my thoughts from trivial to semi-important, then my art tutors were probably correct in saying I am but a stupid little girl with a wilful disregard for my talents.
'I long for an external view of myself and my room to confirm it is reality', says Miss Plath, July 1953. If she had not have gassed herself i would thank her for articulating my desire in a comprehendable way, rather than non-sensical rambling that seems to flood from my mouth when i try to explain it.
It is cold here, although no one else seems to feel it. I would move inside but it would only dim my spirit futher. The view from this balcony has become very familiar, even homely; The wide empty field, the long narrow road and the distanced beach. It is comforting. Consistancy is nice, isn't it?
That's what i liked about ____. Of course, it was a childish imitation of an aldult relationship, and despite their many faults as a lover, despite the tantrums and tearful nights apent arguing, she was constant.
Constant in a way I had never experienced before, and have not experienced since. As a friend, as someone to listen to my neurotic thoughts and hysterical phonecalls without judgement, he was wonderful. I knew he was intrested, and it was genuine, i just knew. Could this be why I feel every other friendship i have had since is a failiure? Do i expect too much of people? I "don't want a friend, or even a lover", I want a therapist. Could that be true?
There always seems to be a motive behind everything, nobody rings JUST to 'say hi', it makes me wonder if any of them would care if i threw myself off a bridge, or something equally as idiotic. Of course, they would pretend to, respectively.
I went out last Thursday night, which, in theory, should have been enjoyable. We started off in Lucy's, which saddened me before I even made it in the taxi. The girls are all so beautiful, lusted after, it made me feel immediatley inferior.
The only dress i could find was my (not so) little black dress from a couple of years ago, so i ended up looking more like a fat middle aged witch than anything else. ____ walked in and upon seeing me did that cheeky schoolboy smile they tend to do in awkward situations. Awkward doesn't even begin to cover our conversation. For the rest of the night I tried to avoid and ignore ___, until the mass amounts of alcohol i had consumed caught up with me; My feet slipped from beneath me, and there I was, once again, on the floor infront of the world. _____ was, of course, the first to laugh at me, making the embarassment just that little bit more intense.

28th May.
We sat down at a table and ordered our drinks, but with hostility lingering, an inevitable row (if one can call it that...) occured, and being the stubborn tempremental man he is, Dad stormed out, refusing to return until we finished our meal.
The root of the problem being my ever-pretentious mother, as usual. Her persistance is a vile yet perminant characteristic of the silly woman.
I was in no mood to eat today as it was, so after this unesaccery incident, there was no way a single sickening calorie was going to pass my lips (for which i am delighted about).
So, I sit at the very top floor of this open air complex, surrounded by the sound of contented people in the bars below me, to my annoyance they seem to spite me, as the sound of bombs would to a scarred soldier. What do i have to do but sit up here alone and chain smoke until my lungs turn black? Although, that sounds entirely preferable to eating another thing ever again. My body is no temple, it is but a disgusting outer shell that haunts my mind, every second, of every day. Stifiling my confidence, concerntration, and sleep.
Looking at myself in a bikini earlier on made me wish I were dead. I only wish that was some kind of sick exaggeration. How can i even begin to concerntrate on my grades when i am perpetually reminded of how impure and vile i truly am everytime my thighs touch?
Of course I am lonely. How could anybody possibly love such a monsterous creature as myself? Still, I have been infesting my body with insane amounts of un-godly substanced in some kind of absurd hope that it will fill this empty hole inside of me.
No, no more. I will persevere with an empty stomach until it cures my equally empty heart.
I have this reoccuring image of my own corpse, laid naked in my own coffin with insects eating away at my flesh, tearing it from my bones until I am nothing, my impurities, the layers of lard that burden me, vanish-
I am content.

12th June
With Benicassim so close, I find myself worrying that I shall not enjoy it at all. I am not excited, but fearful. One night out with my friends is enough to provoke a months worth of misery, how will i cope for a whole week?
I wonder how many times i will ruin the party? I wonder how many times I will seperate from everyone to spend time alone? Or how many substances I will shuv into my body to try and push out this lingering state of mind?
Maybe I will visit the doctor in a desperate, last minute plea for meds that I doubt I will be granted.
I feel suffocated, I cannot breathe freely and there is a persistant wight that presses down hard upson my chest. It is as if I am being drowned by a huge black wave. But how do i expect anyone to understand that?

Long gone seems the time when I enjoyed nights out. It is different now. Everything is different now, for some reason. (Gradually, Suddenly?) I find myself feeling as though i am the only person in the room. I feel invisible. By midnight my insides are screaming, yelling to leave, to return home, away from the terrifying images of shallow lust, giggling friends, can't-live-without-eachother lovers.
When I look at them I feel as if I am looking at myself in some kind of past life, if you will. I am so scared.

2008-05-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

So, i really fancy her.

nothing to say.

2008-04-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

I have so much to do, but all i can do is think.
why oh why have i been cursed with an over active mind?

I wish i could shock people with my stories, but i just can't seem to tell them, it's really horrible. i hate work.
i look so ugly. ergck.

take me by the hand

2008-04-15T13:11:00.001-07:00

and tell me you would take me anywhere.

ALSO

2008-04-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

while i am still awake, i think dreams are dangerous, maybe not for everyone, but for me.
for example, i am the type of person who wants their dreams so much that I;

go to sleep and dreams of their dream and enjoys it so much they will not get up the next morning to acheive it.
spends all their time finding out about their dreams. I.E. ordering goldsmiths prospectus' and reading them cover to cover, reading about people, careers etc etc etc., avoiding doing any work which will get my into goldsmiths anyway.
writing about how much i want things, and how much i am willing to do, and making plans of what i will do, to avoid actually doing anything.

I mean, look, i'm doing it right now. typical.

muse me

2008-04-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

If you touch that girl,
You know it's okay,
People say she's a whore anyway!
I think she looks like a nice vamp,
Looking for love in a trashcan.

If you kiss that girl you won't be caught dead,
She's the coolest girl you think you ever met.
I think she fits right into my life,
On the road till the end of time.

Now the time is right and you feel the need,
To go down low and receive a treat.
The jukebox churns out songs about sex,
Come on baby you're my best fix.

CAPITAL LETTERS ARE FOR LOSERS

2008-04-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

oh how i adore making bold statements.

7.58am

2008-03-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

It was the time when we danced in freedom,
one bird became two,
and two birds became three,
and three birds became four,
ecetera.
Sweeping these old streets with mischeif,
singing those songs,
at the heart of the world.
Oh, and we wished we could capture it all,
make it tangiable,
lock it up for a rainy day.
My memory is positivley inaccurate,
but it looks so beautiful on paper.
And i miss it all;
you and her and him and them and us
(rewind)
did such a time exsist?

hey guess what

2008-03-25T15:44:00.001-07:00

BOO!

2008-03-24T03:49:00.000-07:00

So when they tap our Sunday heads

Two zombies walk in our stead

This town seems hardly worth our time

And we'll no longer memorize or rhyme,

Too far along in our crime,

Stepping over what now towers to the sky,

With no connection

...

2008-03-17T13:03:00.000-07:00

words fail me.

sillybilly

2008-03-17T04:45:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about writing down your name, then doing it again and again.
maybe i would even circle it. things look nicer in circles, don't they?
what about triangles?
hearts?
no, not hearts, that would just be ridiculous wouldn't it.

be born.

2008-03-09T17:33:00.000-07:00

I think a person can be defined by how they spend their Sundays.

This Sunday i went to the Cathedral, bought a book then spent my evening babysitting whilst reading the book, drinking wine and taking care of my four year old cousins every need. This includes tasks such as drawing the royal family of devils, making 'noodle-cheese' sandwiches and continually chanel-hopping from 'tiny pop' to 'nick junior', although most of the evening was spent explaining why my 14 year old brother will not be older than me when he grows up, and why being a vegetarian is not my job.
I'm not sure how this defines me, if you figure it out please inform me, but either way, i am sticking with my theory.

Last night i was liberated by tears upon returning home from work.
I am tremendously confused by this, for three reasons;
i do not cry.
i especially do not cry infront of my mother.
i was feeling rather indifferent the whole day, with no urge to cry whatsoever, then i stepped in the car and the engine roared and VOILA! i was like a volcano of screams and sobs of a variety of sorts.
For approximatley 15 minutes i became a complete nihilist. The biggest nihilist in the world.
My mind raced with all these questions, but they were not new questions; these were questions that frequently occur to myself, frequently as in every day.
'Time' my mum said.
but i can not just sit here waiting for things to happen for me, surely?
and, it is lovely to say things will come in time, but will they?
or will i sit here forever, waiting, growing older?
so, time can answer some questions, but all that really does it present others.

My questions remain unanswered, and i have forgotten the whole point of writing this blog in the first place.
Oh, it is all so silly because the thing is, i do not need the answers to the questions at all! not one bit! because i am an island, and people are disposable, so who cares?

i am an island.
this is all that matters.

hi greg

2008-03-04T09:49:00.001-08:00

we split up almost two years ago, why do you still read my blog?

sitting in the middle, waiting.

2008-02-28T11:41:00.000-08:00

It is really quite something when you become unsure what is real and what you have imagined.
Nothing significant has happened lately, although i very much wish it would!
Everyone looks at me with confusion in their eyes, more confusion than what is comfortable. Perhaps it is doubt? Is it me being strange or them being dull?
EVERYTHING IS SQUARE AND PROZAC DOESN'T WORK (it was on gmtv)

.

2008-02-27T04:43:00.000-08:00

Do you ever look at yourself and want to die?

supplemented rainbows

2008-02-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

Potassium nightmares haunt me as i am wide awake,
creeping under the doors and blossoming in spirals of invisible air all over the room;
Wrapping around me as the clock tick tick ticks.
It's fine, i have company, at the other end of a trail of worms that runs around the world.
I continue to take my vitimans to keep daylight at bay,
but it will not wait for me,
or for you,
or for anyone,
what a shame, i will have to resort to calcium.

Love #6

2008-02-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

he likes joanna newsom!!

2008-02-08T04:51:00.000-08:00

Stranger, stranger oh, look what i have done!
I would like to tell you everything, about Saturn,
And Jupiter,
And my new apple green cardigan,
but i am awfully afraid it will alarm you;
you will run to the top of the highest hill and remain there for eternity.
This fate is not desirable,
I think.
So i will lock up those silent screams,
forever and ever and,
forever and ever and,
forever and ever.
I sold my soul for cherries,
and the devil may laugh,
but i much prefer cherries to any quality i ever did possess.
Now i am singular, and my shadow has vanished,
oh, stranger,
it is grand:
I was never fond of being plural.

"sleep my dear"

2008-01-29T09:43:00.000-08:00

let me apologise for the lack of posting since November.
things have been on a slippery slope since then, i can't explain why, i suppose i have just been too busy getting into trouble with everyone possible.

I am up to my eyeballs in work, i have art coming out my derriere and i just don't know what to do. I feel like just burying my head and never coming out. I have deceided that Literature is what i want to study, as much as i love art i just don't know wether it is for me anymore, lately i have been made to question my ability.
All in all i feel quite useless.
I need someone to take me seriously, or just a big fat slap in the face or something.
maybe i am just freaking out?? maybe i am not doing as bad as i think.

I went to the doctors about my sleeping, he was entirely useless, as i expected him to be, and refused to perscribe me anything so instead told me to have a hot milky drink before bed.
IS HE JOKING?
like a hot chocolate is going to solve all my problems. ok. idiot.
my relationship with certain substances are becoming very unreasonable and my desire to spend as much time as possible outside of reality is also becoming a problem.

My sanity is running away from me, and i can see it, but it knows i cannot run that fast so it continues, peering back ocassionally and laughing.
Oh give me strength i beg of you!

mmm

2007-11-24T12:12:00.001-08:00

Even now there's something to be proud about, you come up the hard way and they'll remind you every day;
You're nothing.
Oh, my words in your mouth are mumbled all about, you're like a journalist, how you can cut and paste and twist;
You're awful
Tell it to your king, tell him everything you know.
Tell him you know how I feel, tell him you know how I feel at the palace gates, oh I'm all levered off my face and just to work out what it's on about and see snakes in eyes and danger signs.
If you were late you mustn't dare complain, you won't like this at all, there's nothing to break your fall.
Oh tell it to your king
Tell him everything you know
And you know how I feel out of placeUntil I'm levered off my face, and I can't work out what your on about.
Didn't they explain? You have to play the game, oh-oh.
Jack drinks and smokes his cares away, his heart is in the lonely way, living in the ruins of a castle built on sand..

Few things are as heartbreaking as these words.

do you believe in symmetry?

2007-11-21T15:28:00.000-08:00

I went on a date last night, god forbid.

I got really nervous and started talking about the worst things, you know, how i accidentley buried my hamster alive when i was 10 years old etc. Thankfuly, they thought it was funny and was able to look past this traumatic childhood experience.

Went out Friday with Rach, Annie, Sian, Liv and Mel. For a few drinks in hannahs bar first, where i successfuly pretended to these boys that i was German for almost an entire hour; they never doubted me once. The fucking idiots.

then to lago where we spent most of the night.

Me and Liv. Sober. (ohmygosh stef is sober? i feel your pain.)

The Noel Feilding lookalike!

Ok, so then we met this guy, who seemed nice enough until the next morning when we found these pictures of him and his MOUTH FROM HELL! Prepare to be amazed/terrified:

....So you think 'ok, so he has a bit of a weird smile going on, i can handle that.' right?

....but can you handle this? check that one out! it's like mouth acrobatics! then just when you think it couldn't get much worse, it does just that..

I think this one speaks for itself really.
I do hope this boy, whoever he may be, never manages to find his way to my blog.

Work was a bitch on Saturday; but alas the evening was rather enjoyable. Went into town for a little bit, had some fun dabbling, but eventually deceided to leave after attracting every cheesy werido in Liverpool

Guy: excuse me girls, i don't suppose any of you have a lighter i can use?
Alex: your ciggarette is already lit.
Guy: ahhh you got me there! how are you girls doing?
Alex: bye.

Then returning home to chill out with a couple of LC lads, and be harrassed in my sleep.

The day after was horrid.

babyshambles tomorrow!
I'm bouncing off walls, so excited. Up the shambles! jjjaaa.

Love #5

2007-11-19T10:49:00.000-08:00

TESSA SWERDLOW.

Quality shouts and banter.

Updates

2007-11-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

my plans to kick my brother out and turn his room into a walk in wardrobe have been somewhat unsucessful.

on the other hand, my make up looks hot and i'm off out with the eddies girls.
bye.

hot death on our heels.

2007-11-12T15:18:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday was the halloween party. it went well, we all got very messy and then luke and tommy stayed in mine. I don't have that many pictures of the night due to lack of camera devices, but heres me, the infamous annie murray and henry (who obviously had a little bit of an accident with the cherryade)not impressed with the antics of a certain someone who threw up the bracket in a bush though.
Last Friday was messy too. After one too many in the CI, me, annie, a few of the bluecoat girls, chris, tom jordan and phil went back to Sians for more drinks; however i spent most of the night outside.
i won't go into that.
i don't remember how i got home that night, but apparently i shared a taxi with jord and tom?

Monday was Livs birthday, rosie made cakes and brought them in to celebrate. Tuesday was Rachels birthday so she did the same thing. They were lovely.

Went to paint the walls of that Jewish place with Abbie which was good i suppose, it was nice to catch up with a king davider.

This Friday I went for a drink with Edward and Mathew then saw a return to the CI, with elliot aka "Aaron Taylor", where Biff and Dodd appeared stoned off their faces.
Saturday was the fun one. Me Edward and Mathew went to the New York bar to watch the match, which we won 2-0.
He is really sweet, very posh, it's cute.
We then hit Sekander for a meal which we discussed his bording school antics (which i must say, impressed me.) then got a taxi down to Rachels for some drinks.
He must have thought we were absolutley mad; dancing all round the room to the libertines.
We then ordered 6 taxis (yeah, 6) into town where it was Korova --> lago --> the razz.

seen lots of people everywhere. Jay beats, Brendan quinn, Tessa and Nadya in Korova.
stepped outside only to be rugby tackled by Charles Doherty. Next bumping into Mike Russel, Joey Bodansky and Nemi in Lago.
And of course, just seeing everyone in the Razz.

On another note; i hate mind games, and i hate jealousy.
People disagree with things that i have done, even friends of mine, and to be honest i disagree with what i did myself.
but honestly, is there any need to still be talking about it?
people should get over things and carry on with their lives. grow up, i'm not interested in her.

ha

2007-11-06T15:03:00.000-08:00

Prince Harry has grown to be quite a looker don't you think?

ps. happy birthday miss longworth.

This is Halloween

2007-11-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i went home after my literature class, i couldn't bare to stay in, i felt so sick, possibly the worst hangover i have ever experienced. I'm usually ok with them. Halloween was good, eventful and a bit messy towards the end of the night, but enjoyable otherwise.
Did something i shouldn't have done, which i realise and did not occur to me at that very moment (while ROTTON drunk) so if anyone upset/dissapointed by this incident reads this, please know i am ashamed of myself and i am very sorry.
Got ready in Freyas with the little one, then went round to bonnies and had a few drinks with Jess, Becca, Ange, Mel, Alis, Abbie, Shaun, Kelly etc.
everyone looked quite wicked. Then we got very drunk and danced alot, seen a lot of people i haven't seen in a very very long time;
In some ways i miss them, in others i feel like i'm better without them in my life.

I'm glad i moved, it's healthy for me, it's a nice change, and the people i have met there are amazing. Not to say i don't fucking love the people i do miss.

But that's another story. pictures;
Elliot looked brilliant:

the best girls in the world:

Also, who was in the chippy but ____, oh it was just hideously embarrassing. Trust it to be my luck that the first time i see them in months (the last time i couldn't walk because i was off my face on perscription drugs) i am dressed as some kind of zombie.

"Looking a bit pale there stef"

OH, YOU THINK.

i am stef and i'm a loser.

2007-10-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

Things i said i would do;

stop eating, go the gym and loose weight
buy a halloween costume
do some work
buy a nice journal
replace my MAC lipstick
use those ressurection gift vouchers
sleep
sort my camera out
do my eyebrows/nails
find someone decent

Thing i have done;

successfully eaten more chocolate in three days than i usually do in 3 months and haven't been near the gym
still have not bought the thights for my costume
done no work
not yet bought a journal
have not stepped foot in the MAC shop to replace my lipstick
lost the ressurection vouchers.
slept too much
left my camera still uncharged and not working.
made sure my nails and eyebrows are still a lovely mess.
become asexual.

I AM SUCH A BRIDGET JONES!

On the positive, i am not smoking as much as i usually do, but no doubt that won't last too long either. Today i went back to visit my roots in king david, i was greeted by mark shouting "HELLO PRAWWN!" so my legacy obviously lives on.
I expected it to be so weird going back, so nostalgic; but the weird thing was that the only thing that was weird was it NOT being weird at all! It felt as if i had never been away, like i could have just gone to a lesson there and then and it would have been so normal.
Still, it was nice seeing people.
I seen Greeny, as she walked past i said hi and she just walked straight passed me and gave me the snottiest "hello" ever.
stupid bitch.
Then after sitting in King Davids shitty common room for a while, me, Ange and Rach did lunch on allerton road. a chinese, weirdly. We then departed and i have been in work 3:30-8:30.
It's fun though, banter with the kids on the tills, and with the customers etc. There are some lovely boys there aswell, and you'r always occupied by serving good looking students, so no complaints.

But, sat at the far end it was a bit empty, so whilst in a world of my own i caught eyes with a familiar face, and upon realising who it was, got so terrified that i just jumped off the till and into the back. I was actually so scared.
Some weird stalker guy who just will not take no for an answer. He frightens the life out of me, he has eyes like the devil. I had to get John to jump on the till next to me incase he came back.
bad times, bad times.

can i be bothered with st. eddies tomorrow? no. not at all. boo.

you're the boss, apple sauce.

2007-10-28T12:58:00.000-07:00

I think it is beautiful the way people can look at one piece of art, or read one piece of literature and each person can conduct a different conclusion to the last.

I lovelovelove the work of Tom Sachs, my mum is somehow offended by it and my dad thinks it is modern art bullshit, my brother also thinks this is the case.

But i insist that a man who comes up with the idea of painting the chanel logo on a guilloutene has to be genius indeed.

I have been so busy the last few months, not with anything important of course, just hanging out with different people like and doing things likkeee...
reuniting with old best friends in the g-bar (OH MY GOD ATHALIA TURNER!!)
Spending quality korova time with the beloved before they dissapeared to london;

hanging out with the guys from the teenagers in korova after the show;
Raving with my bitch Kelly at her sweet 16th;

getting drunk with rachel, mainly in korova;

(apparently a little too drunk...)

attacking deegan in mine...
and doing lunch with that swerdlow girl in the alma de cuba

and lots more of course. but i really need to stop spending my life intoxicated on something or other laying about korova, becasue it is all i ever seem to do and i need to sort my life out and be a serious girl for a bit (yeah rightttttttt)

things to do this week;

stop eating, go the gym and loose weight
buy a halloween costume
do some work
buy a nice journal
replace my MAC lipstick
use those ressurection gift vouchers
sleep
sort my camera out
do my eyebrows/nails
find someone lovely

ok. all done.

whywhywhy

2007-10-22T10:44:00.001-07:00

do people insist on playing music on the back of busses (especially shit leeona x-factor crap)
insist on CLEANING YOUR MIRRORS!
are Christmas lights up in October?
do they not text me back,are there no nice clothes ANYWHERE!
am i ill

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

Love #4

2007-10-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

Andre Walker (and Nicks face in this picture....classy) for buying me and Nick our drinks in for what must have been almost the entire night. Also for being gay and living in London; he's living my future..

V festival!

2007-09-23T03:32:00.000-07:00

it has been about 389543, seems as though a blog just doesn't fit into my social schedule.
however a view of v festival must be done so you can too feel the imensity of it all. it was the greatest weekend of my life without a doubt.

from what i can remember.

Waiting for the coach to take us there, i ran into limestreet station to stock up on fags;

"how many menthols do you have?"

we have the 10 packs and 20 packs"

"yes, but how many packs do you have all together"

"oh, we only have 6 20 packs"

"i'll take them all please"

"stressfull day?"

"like you wouldn't beleive!"

so, on the coach down, it was similiar arrangements to Paris, me and sophie acting like twats all the way there. (Delivery was played on radio 1 too, i was made up.)Once we arrived, we walked for ages then they finally decieded on a place to camp. Me, Lizzy and Sophie then went on mission, while we waited for the others to arrive (they took the piss)

We went on a couple of rides in the meanwhile. I won the dodgems. obviously.

Anyway, my lot finally decieded to arrive at something ridiculous like 5pm, we then had to walk even futher to find somewhere to camp, which was hell, but we got there in the end. We all snacked about in our lovely new tents. Me, abbie and Beccas was the best, we had a living room and everything.
Then Josh got aqquainted to the neighbours, a couple of lovely scottish men...

Our next trip was down to the arena to get some tea, and to later on go to the "indie disco", so they called it. We bumped into some odd characters on the way...

Those guys with the hats on? i have absolutley no fucking idea who they are, or why they are on this photo, for that matter.

Aren't our boys just the coolest guys you've ever seen??

Anyway, i'm a busy girl and can't really be bothered posting all the photos because there are so many. Overall, it was a weekend of amazing music, lots of fun, drugs, alcohol, (probably too much), etc.

but the main thing was that babyshambles were out of this world. as was Peter.
too bad he got arrested two hours later

the full set of photographed chaos is on my myspace; www.myspace.com/stef_hates_you

3 things

2007-08-01T06:31:00.001-07:00

1. I miss Jessica, I miss Amy, I miss Josh, I miss Heaney & I miss my Luton boys. It's horrid.

2. 6 hours! 6 mother-fucking hours!! this is all i can disclose about this event.

3. Jeremey Kyle show tommorrow & 16 days left until V! ahhh.

I love you but you're green.

2007-07-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

Hub was last week (or was it the week before? hmmm..)

It was ok i suppose, i didn't end up seeing certain people that i wanted to see, and was far too drunk to remember almost anything...but heres a picture before i got myself in that state...

It was quite dissapointing in all honesty, but MPC put on a good show as always, and there was a brilliant french indie band on the second day.

Since then, i have been the brookhouse for the last two tuesday nights, made friends with the irish bloke who always serves me in subway. lovely man. Went out with Jen, Ed and Surrane last Thursday, sat off round Ed's for a bit and played drinking games;

then went to garlands, and had an absolutley brilliant night where i seen kurt

So at the end of the night Ed and Jen went to grab a maccies, and we got a taxi back to Eds and sat in his kitchen eating peanut butter on toast and chatting shit.

Then it was off to Korova then Bumper with Amy, to see Stevie DJ. Being the glorious man he is played Up the bracket for me (it was amazing and changed my life. cheers steve). My week has been fun. very very fun.

Although everyone is leaving me soon, Amy goes to Africa, Rachel & Angie are in Germany, Jess & Abbie are off to Ibiza, Freya is off to France. So i guess it will jst be me, little and our boys soon enough.

Please cancel your holidays. this is all.

Love #3

2007-07-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

So, this is Tony.

and we love Tony because, firstly, he works in the coolest bar in the whole of Mil Palmeras (VAIVEN)...which we went to every single night.

We also love Tony because:

he makes the nicest 'sex on the beach' cocktails going.

he speaks very good English.

he is the friendliest man ever in the whole world.

he put Pendulum on for us and didn't laugh at us when we danced to it like idiots.

he gave us free shots.

encouraged us to get off our faces every night (ok, we shouldn't really love him for that, but whatever)

he works his arse off every single night.

and finally, he posed for this picture, looking rather dashing.

Thank you Tony...i will be seeing you next Summer!

Love #2

2007-06-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

We love Sam, Chris and Junior from North Africa. Sam is our favorite though, because he looks like Mr Walton, our old Physics teacher.

Where: On the national express coach to Manchester with Freya and Bonnie, for shoppinh purposes

Why: They got on the coach being really loud, and we couldn't help but laugh at some of the things they were saying, so when they seen us laugh, they started chatting to us. Sam was from Algeria, and Chris was from the Kongo, but they all lived in Glasgow...or as they called it; "Glas Vegas". They had come down to work at the knowsley festival, and apparently all they were eating was eggs, so they kept joking about them. There is no point of me telling you about them, because words cannot describe how much laughter they brought to out coach journey.

Stef: he was a tosser
Chris: tosser? thats a nice name
Stef: a tosser means a twat
Chris: Oh

They were absolutley adorable, especially Sam who me and freya love...he started singing James Blunt and OH MY LORD, we were in hysterics.
When we reached manchester, they had an hour to wait for their next coach, so they came and sat round with us...before they went, we told them we had got them a present, and handed them a box of eggs.

Boys; the journey back to Liverpool was just not the same without you.

Sex ed.

2007-06-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

Today me and the lovely Sairaaaaaa did lunch in the egg. We talked about funny looking goths & nice punk girls, and ate lovely salads (the foreign man put beetroot in it though, so we spent about half an hour picking it all out, we looked like freaks. eating disorders anonymous or something.)

This is Saira looking disgusted at her beetroot salad leftovers. Aaaawww, isn't she a doll?

After this, we got the 82 down to Auckland college, were Saira used to go, so that she could pick up a reference to get on her law course.

After this we got the 82 back into town; I HATE YOU ARRIVA BUSSES!!! and after a TRECK across the streets of Liverpool, we ended up in the old faithful;- The Pilgrim (L)

As we were chatting away, sipping our single vodka and coke, no ice, we realised a strange 40 something guy opposite us kept staring. He wasn't even a lovable Seymour-type 40 year old. I'm talking FREAKYYY. When we left, he was starring at us through the window, and as soon as we got out we both burst out laughing and sreaming "OH MY LORD HOW CREEPY WAS HE!", until we realised he was walking behind us.
We kept walking and kept walking, he kept following...when we got the bus stop, he turned a corner...but after 5 minutes he was back again.
We couldn't stop laughing. When i go out with Saira, we always seem to attract really horrible weird old men.

SAIRA; I AM NOT GOING OUT WITH YOU ANYMORE AS A RESULT. OUR ENID & REBECCA DAYS ARE OVER.

I then stopped in at Angies for a quick chat and a coffee. Made friends with the fly sitting off on her table, named him Fred.

So me and Fred, right, we were having a good old play. Then Denny comes in, and without realising flings the newspaper on the table.
I couldn't beleive it. Fred was dead, and Denise is a murderer...who would have thought.

Stef: have you read the time travellers wife?
Rach: no, whats she got written on her?
BOO, this poor joke encouraged me to the door, to get away from the insane losers i call my friends.

I then spent the rest of the night at Bonnies. Failing to open the door to me, Those menaces; Theo and Freeeeeeney made me climb through window instead.

Lovely people.

After some banter with the eldest, Josh, about Lucy Pinder (??)'s tits, we made plans for the rest of the week (shopping....shopping....shopping) and just did what we always do & prat around like 3 year olds.

We then went into the kitchen and sat around eating chocolate ice cream and drinking coffee. we discussed important topics such as my nipple.

We also figured that, as a 9 year old boy, the time had come to give our young little Theo a chat about the birds and the bees (or the birds and the birds). He already knew. Thanks a lot for telling him, BENNETT! So he just perved at Nuts with Bonnie too.

As you can tell by that darling look on his face, he was extremely impressed.

A bunch of people then arrived...we all sat about and had a little gossip, then i left because i have no money and needed a lift.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK: why are you all being anti social with me?? its driving me insane.

Oh cory cory cory kennedy. I wish she was here. Or even better, i was there. I need my own Cory, you know? to come and have fun 24/7 for the next 11 weeks. People that won't forget to ring me, or fall asleep, or are pre-occupied with silly things like the tidying of rooms.

If you fancy being my partner in crime, let me know....there is a shortage of fun people in Liverpool.

Love #1

2007-06-26T02:44:00.000-07:00

We love John Briner, Amon and Josh (but mainly John, on the left)

Where: Knowsley hall music Festival

Why: I somehow started talking to these lovely, dirty London boys. Aside from their cheeky accents, Josh (right) lent me about 5 ciggarettes...and not just any ciggarettes....MENTHOL ciggarettes. He is also a great dancer, and we had a good boogie to The Zutons.

But the main star of the show was John, the Freddy Prinze Jr lookalike. Not only does he have the cutest little smile ever, but he took a lovely picture of me and put it on his facebook, he tagged it and everything, bless him.

This is the picture, and as awful as it is, you have to laugh at the state that i managed to get myself in.

Thanks John

Thanks Josh

Thanks Amon

We love you.

Knowsley frestival 06

2007-06-26T01:09:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, me and some kids went to knowsley festival, only because we all had free tickets. Joss Stone, The Wombats, The Zutons, Madness & Keane were playing.

After a while it got very rainy, and of course....rain leads to mud...and mud leads to mess.

so why fight it, right?

We snuck in a bottle of vodka between my legs (it was uncomfortable) and food down Jennies boobs. Then we got drunk, Olly pierced my ear then we danced for hours.

This is how clean i was when i arrived. unfortunatley, that didn't last too long.

I fell over, on my ass, infront of all the bouncers, they couldn't stop laughing at me. i had a big mud patch on my bum.

Me, Angie and Melissa, soaking up....the music. This was when the colour of our clothes could be defined.

By now i was sober (ish) and when Madness came on, everyone went crazy. Some boy kicked a tiny bit of mud on Bonnie, so the whole lot of us started kickg mud back at him untill it turned into this WHOPPER mud fight. A big circle seperated where we were kicking and dancing in the mud, and everyone was videoing us.

If you go on youtube, and type in Knowsley festival, there is about 10 videos of us raving and doing the conga.

KING DAVID KIDS
KNOW HOW TO ROCK N ROLL

The result was hideously muddy, we stunk of shit, my clothes are ruined, my jacket and towel drowned in the mud. But oh well, we had a ball.

The End.